"PEACE OF MIND" lyrics

Why do I kill myself when I don't wanna die
Why do I always fuck it up? Don't even wanna try
I don't wanna lie, but I do it - Why? Why do I do it, though
I'ma make a mess of something beautiful
I don't even feel peace, I just want pain
I use it as a crutch, wear it like it's warpaint
Why do I feel like everybody I meet wasn't for me
Swear to God, it's been cutting me deep
Speaking of God, where have you been
And would you even look at me? I'm buried in sin
I need a reason to pray, and yeah I know I'm not pious
But you would not believe what I've seen in these fires
I don't even know where I'm at, but I don't wanna be
Nobody sees me for me - when the phone ring, I'm fake
Smile on my face
Cuz I know they can tell when I go blank

It feels like I spend most my life
Searching for some peace of mind
I've tried love, I've tried drugs, I've tried God
But I still don't know what I want

But even if I did, would I be defiant or would I try it
Maybe it's right underneath my eyelids
Maybe it's something that I can't have
No matter how bad that I want it - so sad
Maybe this is what I get for the way that I've been
Cuz I could cut throats when I'm running my lips
And nobody deserved what I did
Or how I hurt everybody that I ever loved - that was bullshit
I'm sorry for the pain, I'm sorry for the way
I wouldn't heal from my past, but you had faith
Cuz I didn't deserve that, but you made me feel like I did
Showed me love
Tryna learn from it
But it's enough to make my stomach turn, vomit
I don't wanna relive my dirt - dug it
But sometimes I feel cursed from it

It feels like I spend most my life
Searching for some peace of mind
I've tried love, I've tried drugs, I've tried God
But I still don't know what I want