"Tom Cruise vs Evel Knievel" lyrics
[Evel Knievel:]
I'm Evel Knievel, one hell of a daredevil
Takes more than Scientology to stunt on my level
No one's got a bigger need for speed than me
Your best movie's you getting killed repeatedly!
You're the tiniest action star I've seen
Need an IMAX just so we can spot you on the screen!
As an actor you'll never be one of the greats
You're middle of the road like that tooth in your face!
Clench your jaw, whisper intensely, run!
There, I just dissed all your characters. Done!
On the bike and the mic I'm a better double feature
Beating me's a bigger reach than you as Jack Reacher!
[Tom Cruise:]
Ready? I was Born on the Fourth of July. (Whoo!)
You're just red, white and bruised (huhuhuhuh)
You talk a lot of shit, but here's the truth: you can't handle the Cruise!
Your star-spangled suit insults our country!
I look more dignified sliding in my undies! (Whoo!)
Clap you like my hands when I run
I don't need a Precog to see your future: you got none!
You did a lot of jumps, rarely landed one!
(Ouch!) Should've called it the Snake River Can't-yon!
You beat an unarmed man with a bat!
Now, I played lawyers, but I can't defend that!
If I were you, I'd quit giving acting reviews
You got tricked by a cop playing a prostitute!
You're a drunk stunt monkey and your son followed suit!
And you both crashed out and got buried in Buttes!
[Evel Knievel:]
I see what you did, man
You wanna talk about wives and kids, man?
I jumped fourteen buses but you know what's farther?
The distance Katie Holmes keeps you from your daughter!
You pray to aliens, Tom, that ain't right!
Forget the vampires, you need to interview Christ!
Grab your safety wire! You're gonna need to be held
'Cause just like Ron Hubbard, you're taking the L!
[Tom Cruise:]
No one even knows who you are anymore
I'm above you when I'm dangling an inch off the floor!
I'll pop you harder than you pop pills
You one-trick, jackass, hick Johnny Knoxville!
[Evel Knievel:]
All you're popping is your lips from the filler you inject
I've been snapping on you like Goose's neck!
Your rapping is worse than The Mummy in 3D
Like a dry handjob, you don't complete me!
The only stunt of yours people boast about
Is your psycho jump up on Oprah's couch!
So just remember who's a legend when you're stepping to me
Even Rain Man knows you're getting beat, definitely!
[Tom Cruise:]
Oprah? I'd give you Queen Latifah
It's just another day on the Burj Khalifa! (Yes!)
I grew up with your stunt cycle toy
I've been pushing you around since I was a little boy!
You ended up a bankrupt crash test dummy!
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm, SHOW ME THE MONEY!
I'll beat you anywhere, any time, any place!
So grab your shattered femur and literally fuck your own face!
I'm Evel Knievel, one hell of a daredevil
Takes more than Scientology to stunt on my level
No one's got a bigger need for speed than me
Your best movie's you getting killed repeatedly!
You're the tiniest action star I've seen
Need an IMAX just so we can spot you on the screen!
As an actor you'll never be one of the greats
You're middle of the road like that tooth in your face!
Clench your jaw, whisper intensely, run!
There, I just dissed all your characters. Done!
On the bike and the mic I'm a better double feature
Beating me's a bigger reach than you as Jack Reacher!
[Tom Cruise:]
Ready? I was Born on the Fourth of July. (Whoo!)
You're just red, white and bruised (huhuhuhuh)
You talk a lot of shit, but here's the truth: you can't handle the Cruise!
Your star-spangled suit insults our country!
I look more dignified sliding in my undies! (Whoo!)
Clap you like my hands when I run
I don't need a Precog to see your future: you got none!
You did a lot of jumps, rarely landed one!
(Ouch!) Should've called it the Snake River Can't-yon!
You beat an unarmed man with a bat!
Now, I played lawyers, but I can't defend that!
If I were you, I'd quit giving acting reviews
You got tricked by a cop playing a prostitute!
You're a drunk stunt monkey and your son followed suit!
And you both crashed out and got buried in Buttes!
[Evel Knievel:]
I see what you did, man
You wanna talk about wives and kids, man?
I jumped fourteen buses but you know what's farther?
The distance Katie Holmes keeps you from your daughter!
You pray to aliens, Tom, that ain't right!
Forget the vampires, you need to interview Christ!
Grab your safety wire! You're gonna need to be held
'Cause just like Ron Hubbard, you're taking the L!
[Tom Cruise:]
No one even knows who you are anymore
I'm above you when I'm dangling an inch off the floor!
I'll pop you harder than you pop pills
You one-trick, jackass, hick Johnny Knoxville!
[Evel Knievel:]
All you're popping is your lips from the filler you inject
I've been snapping on you like Goose's neck!
Your rapping is worse than The Mummy in 3D
Like a dry handjob, you don't complete me!
The only stunt of yours people boast about
Is your psycho jump up on Oprah's couch!
So just remember who's a legend when you're stepping to me
Even Rain Man knows you're getting beat, definitely!
[Tom Cruise:]
Oprah? I'd give you Queen Latifah
It's just another day on the Burj Khalifa! (Yes!)
I grew up with your stunt cycle toy
I've been pushing you around since I was a little boy!
You ended up a bankrupt crash test dummy!
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm, SHOW ME THE MONEY!
I'll beat you anywhere, any time, any place!
So grab your shattered femur and literally fuck your own face!
