"Dumber" lyrics

Just the other day
I was pumping gasoline
When I was ready to go
I ripped the whole damn hose
Outta that pump machine

Later when the cop pulled me over
Halfway across the state
We asked why I was speeding
Where I needed to be
I said, "Nowhere. And I'm running late"

I hope this feeling lasts all winter
I hope it lasts on into the summer
It can rain and it can storm, babe
It can lightning and it can thunder
I ain't ever felt better
And I ain't ever been dumber

Later, I was feeling hungry
So I went down to the nail salon
They gotta little chubby statue that's always got fruit
I took an apple and I was gone

Them ladies are always so upset
It must be hard working on toes
I keep mine clean and the webs in between
Help me float down the river, ya know

Some days, life's a big ole toilet
And I'm just a real good plumber
It may be hot as the dickens outside
But I'm cooler than a big cucumber
I ain't ever felt better
And I ain't ever been dumber

Later, I was feeling lonely
But I didn't really wanna talk
So I went down to the morgue
And laid down on a board
'Cause nobody wanted to walk

And in the morning I went to church
And they handed me a plate of cash
I took a buck or two
They kicked me outta the pew
Hell, even Jesus wants to kick my ass

If indeed it's a dream I'm in
Don't wake me from my slumber
And if ya ever wanna feel a little better
Feel like life is a less of a bummer
It's in your best interest
I suggest you get dumber