"Snail Zero" lyrics

My lady moved in, I picked her up a gift
A miniature aquarium and trip to get some fish
Three Green Tetras, one Scarlet Badis
And a touch of plant life, some live, some plastic
Got the stuff home, put it in the tank
Everyone is thriving, it's a lively little gang
A few weeks pass, when plain and clear
I hear, "Oh my God, there's a snail in here!"
What? I feel as if she's gotta be mistaken
As we do not have a snail, granted, she knows what a snail is
I make my way over, and position for the glare
I'm looking at a snail that wasn't previously there

Hmm, I feel I'm being pranked
But if magic is the reason, then really, I think it's great
My girl on her computer reading animal facts
"A snail egg can hitch a ride into your tank on a plant"
You motherfucker

But wait, there's more

I'm looking at the snail, he seems pretty pleasant
We figure let him kick it, as honestly, shit's impressive
A couple weeks pass, I hear another gasp
Seven more snails have appeared on the glass
How? Determined to identify the guests
When I stumble on a column of common invasive pests
And boom, the number one offender on the pile
The Bladder Snail, known to stowaway and multiply
Motherfucker
Plus a self-compatible hermaphrodite
That means the kids'll never have to hear the parents fight
We went away for a week, came home to a scene
Snail population up in the teens
This was weeks ago already
It's been getting extreme
We are well over thirty, but murder isn't my thing
While the fish have been patient, the situation's a bummer
They be staring at the snails, then, staring at each other like
These motherfuckers

But wait, there's more

I figure, "Let 'em kick it"
I figure, "Let 'em kick it"
I figure, "Let 'em kick it"
I figure, "Let 'em kick it"
I figure, "Let 'em kick it"

Folk tell the kiddo, "Oh, I think I'm missing some info
Just clean the tank and throw the fucking snails out the window"
Look, I guess I don't know how to shut the door
When snail zero's been here as long as the other four
I get the reputation as a blight on the tank
But I ain't shoveling 'em out of what they rightfully claim
Even if I was able to one day snag 'em and bail
Exactly fuck I'm supposed to do with a bagful of snails?
"Oh here comes crazy old Aes-y, holding his bagful of snails
He also bark at the traffic and drink his Tab from a grail"
Not doing it, I love those fish
I love those snails, coexist
I think about the day it eventually overflows
And fills the whole apartment, then fills the whole of Rome
A reckoning is upon us, a decision must prevail
A sensible re-homing or
Snails!