"My Whole Family..." lyrics

Uh, thanks. Umm...welcome to my show; it's called, "If You Sing Along I'll Fucking Kill You." Uh, this is a song.

Every time I go to dinner
It seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner
I'll sit down at the breakfast table
I can talk; they're not able
When I look at them I find
There's a single question on their mind
I wish it could go back to the way it was
It's not easy now because...

My whole family thinks I'm gay
I guess it's always been that way
Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk
Makes them think I like... boys
That I like boys

The goddamn question just won't go away
And I get asked every single day
But the way they ask it is not a disguise
Like "How was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?" That's... funny
This is the worst, baby, this was my fear
Now their opinions are crystal clear
Because...

My whole family now is shocked
I'm in the closet and the door is locked
Now my glory days are gone
I was John Elway now I'm Elton John

My whole family now suspects
That watching Spongebob had side-effects
I'm not gay and that's what I said
If I'm gay, hey, God, strike me dead

Just 'cause I'm afraid of the snow
Or my favorite color is the rainbow
I don't mean to yell but I fear I must
'Cause I'm losing the people that I thought I could trust

Because even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay... motherfucker

You all probably think I'm gay
Man, this song is counterproductive
La la la la la…

Because my whole family thinks I'm gay
What did they know anyway?
You gotta look right through the haze
Easy-Bake oven was just a phase

My whole family thinks I'm queer
That is all I ever hear
But I've been as straight as a ramp
If you don't count Bible camp