"Screech In" lyrics

Now there's a solemn, old tradition for admission or audition
To transition from a come from away (To be a Newfoundlander)

The only other way, at any rate
Is pass away and pray to fate
And wait to reincarnate (As a Newfoundlander)

Hey, hey, come on inside
Nothing ventured, nothing tried
(Only a couple people cried)
You'll be a Newfoundlander

Hey, hey, sit down right here
You'll feel better in a year
(Try to ignore your doubts and fears)
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Now we need a couple volunteers
Who wants to become a Newfoundlander?
Right here
Good man, who else?
I have no idea why I put up my hand, and Kevin's like
Oh my god, are you serious?
Oh my god, you are serious
Yes, I'm serious, don't do it if you don't want to
I won't
Where you from, buddy?
Los Angeles
L-A, who else?
Us, we want to be Newfoundlanders
All right, where you folks from?
(Texas) Texas, what part of Texas are you from buddy?
No, no, I'm from Texas, he's from England
Wait, now how does that work?
How does what work?
Well, how does your marriage work with you being in England and her in Texas?
We're not married
I'm sorry, I assumed you were married (No)
Well, would you like to be?
Well, why not?
Diane had had two beers by then, so it was probably the alcohol talking
I've never had more than one beer at a time before, so it was probably the alcohol talking
I went and got her two more beers

Now the first part is the easiest
We'll soon get to the queasiest
I'll need you to repeat this mess (When you become a Newfoundlander)

'Cause we speaks a different language, son
We add some essess and some rum
You'll have to try a good cod tongue (When you become a Newfoundlander)

Hey, hey, just do your best
Nothin' scary, nothin' yet
(You'll have to change the way you're dressed)
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Hey, hey, just sing along
Nothing ventured, just prolonged
(There's thirty verses in this song)
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Ladies and gentlemen, this is screech
Back in World War Two, an officer was stationed here and was offered some of this stuff
All the locals were tossin' it back with nare' a quiver, so he does, too
And let's out an ear piercin'
Everybody comes to what's happening and says
(What was that ungodly screech?)
And now it's your turn, are you ready?
Good, all together now
One (One)
Two (Two)
Three (Three)
Down the hatch
Screech is basically bad Jamaican rum
Screech is horrific
Screech is delicious

And then they brought the cod
The cod
The cod
The cod

Now with every transformation comes a tiny bit of risk
You got to walk the plank, and there'll be blood or there'll be bliss
And it's the same to be a Newfoundlander, every person's wish
So don't be dumb, just take the plunge
Go on, kiss the fish

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a genuine freshly caught Newfoundland cod
And if you want to be an honorary Newfoundlander, you'll have to give her a smooch
One
If you kiss that I am never kissing you again
I'll risk it
Two
I'm not kissing a fish
Come on, I will if you will
Oh my god, fine
Three
I can't do it
What, I just did
Now you've got to kiss the cod, it's a vital part of the ceremony
I can't do it
All right, look, I'll make you a deal
Either you kiss the fish, or else you kiss this Englishman that you're not married to

Hey, hey, come on tonight
Take a risk and take a ride
Jump right in with both feet tied
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Hey, hey, come on once more
Nothing venture, nothing sore
After it's over, out the door
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

After it's over you'll remember
That you're a Newfoundlander