"38 times today" lyrics

I thought about you 38 times today
That's four less than yesterday
And maybe that means I'm gonna be okay
It's just a break

But I saw a white cat on someone's front lawn
And almost broke down over a baseball
I thought I'd smash my phone
Each time that spam one wasn't your call

But you, you want a judgement
Almost a punishment
You'll only feel okay
If you walk away with a win

And you don't wanna lose
But I don't wanna lose you
This is what I get I guess
I've known it from the cradle
I've seen what flights turn into
I didn't grow up like you
For you it's just a mess, a little stress
For me it all feels fatal
And I don't wanna lose
I don't wanna lose you again

I dreamed about another six years with you
You making dumb jokes that we can laugh to
And maybe that means we're gonna be okay
It's just a break

But I feel my heart fall into a cliff dive
Stomach from my chest and then a faint cry
Every hour, back and forth, I question if it's this time

Now what I've been picturing
Is all disconfiguring
I don't see a day we get to a place
Where we both win

And you don't wanna lose
But I don't wanna lose you
This is what I get I guess
I've known it from the cradle
I've seen what flights turn into
I didn't grow up like you
For you it's just a mess, a little stress
For me it all feels fatal
And I don't wanna lose
I don't wanna lose you

I think I'm pretty sure it's just a nick, a little scratch
But when I rub my eyes it starts to feel
A bit like we might crash

While I'm screaming in my sleep and skipping meals
How are you fine?
While I'm here and the fear is out here eating me alive
That you might go, yeah, I know

You don't wanna lose
But I don't wanna lose you
This is what I get, I guess
I've known it from the cradle
I've seen what fights turn into
I didn't grow up like you
It's just a mess, a little stress
For me, it all feels fatal
And I don't wanna lose
I don't wanna lose you again