"Hairy Hypochondriac" lyrics

Somebody find me a wheelchair
I'm feeling kind of faint today
I got beriberi and a whooping cough
I think I'm gonna fade away

I got a case of yellow fever
I get it every other week
My gums swell up with the scurvy
It gets so hard to speak

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me hairy hypochondriac

Hurry up and call the doctor
I think I got the mumps again
Bring me morphine, mama, and some codeine, papa
Read the last rites, my friend

Now I think I'm seeing double
My heart don't seem to beat
Checking for scarlet fever
Being sick sure ain't neat

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me hairy hypochondriac

Medicare, allsup, and blue cross
Never seem to be enough
I got a paid-up suite in a hospital
Good gosh of mine, things are rough

Ever since I was a baby
Mama said "the boy ain't well!"
I know that things ain't one bit better
'Cause my health's all shot to hell

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me hairy hypochondriac

Hey, doc! I got this pain all over my left leg!
Does that mean my arm is gonna fall off?

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me hairy hypochondriac

Hey, doc! it's about these spots in front of my eyes
What is it, malaria? am I going blind? what is it?

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me hairy hypochondriac

I can't seem to turn my neck around. what does that mean?
Have I got a whiplash or something?
Stretcher! medic! corpsman! help! help!

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me hairy hypochondriac