"There! Right There!" lyrics

[Elle:]
There! Right there!
Look at that tanned, well tended skin
Look at the killer shape he's in
Look at that slightly stubbly chin
Oh, please, he's gay
Totally gay!

[Callahan:]
I'm not about to celebrate
Every trait could indicate
A totally straight expatriate
That guy's not gay
I say not gay

[Callahan, Elle, Warner, Vivienne, Brooke & Enid:]
That is the elephant in the room
Well, is it relevant to assume
That a man who wears perfume
Is automatically, radically fae?

[Emmett:]
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks

[Elle:]
Look at his silk translucent socks

[Callahan:]
There's the eternal paradox
Look what we're seein'

[Vivienne:]
What are we seein'?

[Callahan:]
Is he gay?

[Elle:]
Of course he's gay!

[Callahan:]
Or European?

[Callahan, Elle, Warner, Vivienne, Brooke & Enid:]
Oh...
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?

[Warner:]
Well, hey, don't look at me!

[Vivienne:]
You see they bring their boys up different
In those charming foreign ports
They play peculiar sports

[Callahan, Elle, Warner, Vivienne, Brooke & Enid:]
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks
They both say things like "Ciao, Bella"
While they kiss you on both cheeks

[Elle:]
Oh, please

[Callahan, Elle, Warner, Vivienne, Brooke & Enid:]
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray

[Warner:]
Depending on the time of day
The French go either way

[Callahan, Elle, Warner, Vivienne, Brooke & Enid:]
Is he gay or European, or?

[Enid:]
There, right there!
Look at that condescending smirk
Seen it on every guy at work
That is a metro, hetero jerk
That guy's not gay, I say, no way

[Callahan, Elle, Warner, Vivienne, Brooke & Enid:]
That is the elephant in the room
Well is it relevant to presume
That a hottie in that costume

[Vivienne:]
Is automatically, radically

[Callahan:]
Ironically, chronically

[Enid:]
Certainly, flirtingly

[Warner:]
Genetically, medically

[Callahan, Elle, Warner, Vivienne, Brooke & Enid:]
Gay, offically gay
Swishily gay, gay, gay, gay...
Damn it!
Gay or European?

[Callahan:]
So stylish and relaxed

[Callahan, Elle, Warner, Vivienne, Brooke & Enid:]
Is he gay or European?

[Callahan:]
I think his chest is waxed

[Vivienne:]
But they bring their boys up different there
It's culturally diverse
It's not a fashion curse

[Callahan, Elle, Warner, Vivienne, Brooke & Enid:]
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code

[Brooke:]
Yeah, his accent is hypnotic
But his shoes are pointy toed

[Callahan, Elle, Warner, Vivienne, Brooke & Enid:]
Huh
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray

[Judge:]
But if he turns out straight
I'm free at eight on Saturday

[Callahan, Elle, Warner, Vivienne, Brooke & Enid:]
Is he gay or European?
Gay or European?
Gay or Euro-

[Emmett:]
Wait a minute
Give me a chance to crack this guy
I have an idea I'd like to try

[Callahan:]
The floor is yours

[Emmett:]
So, Mr Argitakos
This alleged affair with Ms. Wyndham has been going on for...?

[Nikos:]
Two years

[Emmett:]
And your first name again is...?

[Nikos:]
Nikos

[Emmett:]
And your boyfriend's name is...?

[Nikos:]
Carlos
I-I, sorry!
I misunderstand!
You say "boyfriend"
I thought you say "best friend"
Carlos is my best friend

[Carlos:]
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it, I no cover for you no more!
Peoples, I have a big announcement
This man is gay and European

[Ensemble:]
Whoa!

[Carlos:]
And neither is disgrace
You gotta stop your bein'
A completely closet case
It's me, not her he's seein'
No matter what he say
I swear he never, ever, ever swing the other way
You are so gay, you big parfait
You flaming one man cabaret

[Nikos:]
I'm straight!

[Carlos:]
You were not yesterday
So if I may, I'm proud to say
He's gay

[Ensemble:]
And European!

[Carlos:]
He's gay

[Ensemble:]
And European!

[Carlos:]
He's gay

[Ensemble:]
And European
And gay

[Nikos:]
Fine, okay, I'm gay

[Carlos/Ensemble:]
Hooray!