"THE RETURN" lyrics

I thought I gave up on myself, thought nothing was worth it, life wasn't worth living. The only thing worth doing was making music in my head because listening back to that music was the only thing that kept me fucking going. Cuz I was too scared to end it all. And not just that I didn't want to, I didn't want to hurt my parents, I didn't wanna hurt the people that, that I love. Just like how those two cats are making love right now. I don't know if you can hear that but that's what I sounds like when cats get it on! All night long! Also the more I'd work on myself and stuff like that, the more I'd find myself returning to the way I was as a child. I was such a happy child man, so carefree... and I would- I didn't care what anyone thought. I'm talking like 9 years old, even earlier than 9 years old, right... maybe like 6, maybe like 5 or something, I'm not even sure. But I'd look at videos and I'd be like "Shit, I wanna be like that, that's how I wanna live my life". The same way when I go out and look at like a giraffe or something. Giraffe is not having anxiety about the future, giraffe is not thinking "Oh, I can't uh, I'm freaking uh about the future". I don't know what the hell shit I can't control and being fucking scared about it for no reason. Wishing I could see into the future because I don't know what it holds. Because I'm scared of the unknown, scared that I'm gonna be alone, scared that I am alone, and that no one will ever understand me. That I'm alone in my head, with a hole in my fucking chest. And no matter how hard I try, I never manage to fill it. When I look back at those pictures, those videos of me as a kid, that hole looks filled to me. So I fell into the deep, I fell into doing things, bad decisions, things that I thought would make me happy and it'd work a little bit, just in the short term but... I wasn't happy, I was just in the deep. Just swallowed up by the darkness of myself and what I surrounded myself with.