"Is This Thing On?" lyrics

Is this thing on?
Hello
I'm doing something wrong again
I'm trying to talk to my friends
Grandkids gone, I'm on my own
I could pick up the telephone
But their advice was "cut the chord"
And now I'm left with this machine, oh Lord
Is this thing on?
Hello

Is this thing on?
Hello
I thought party lines were bad
But this thing simply drives me mad
It doesn't seem to suit my age
And now no matter how I rage
It stares at me with darkened screen
And when it beeps I start to scream
Is this thing on?
Hello

Ethernet? I'm not there yet
WiFi? It sounds just like Hi-Fi
Hands free? Not me

Is this thing on?
Hello
Speaking louder doesn't seem to work
I'm feeling like a clumsy jerk
Hold this thing down and press on that
Gets nothing done in nothing flat
Tapping harder gets nowhere
I'd like to tell you I don't care
But is this thing on?

Problems like these this with me are annual
I guess I'm gonna have to read the manual
That would be fine
But the manual's online
Hello

Uh, somebody give me a pencil