"If" lyrics

[FxCKFACE:]
"In order for one to metamorphosize from one's inner self to being project out into the astral plain and to rematerialize into an inanimate object, or another living organism for that matter, is entirely and absolutely impossible. However."

[Violent J (Shaggy 2 Dope):]
If I was your TV I'd be like "Look at me"
If I was a shooting star I'd be like "Peace!"
(If I was a fat bitch's thong I'd be like "Hell naw!")
If I was a hotties thong I'd be like "Aw"
(If I was a cuss word I'd just be like) "fuck"
(If I was a rock on the moon I'd be chillin' like "Sup?")
If I was a butthole I'd just be an exit
(If I was the D.O.C. I'd be like "Man, this is bullshit")
If I was the tires on your car I'd be like "Neeeaaawww"
If I was the bumper on your car I'd be like "Aw fuck"
(If I was a balloon I'd be like "pap")
If I was Alyssa Milano I'd be fucking Joe Bruce
(If I was a radio DJ I'd probably say) "The point 103"
(If I was a richie-ass bitch I'd be like) "Um... OK"
If I was Spin magazine I'd put a mirror on the cover
(And be like "Fuck us, and all our readers, even this motherfucker!")
If I was your mental stress I'd be catching up
If I was your headaches every now and then I'd be like "Thonk!"
(If I was your tongue I'd be hating your teeth)
I'd be like "Ow! Why do you always bite me every time we try to eat?"
(If I was a chair I'd be like) "Sit here"
If I was Kid Rock I'd cut my feathered wolf hair. Ow
If I was your muffler I'd be like "Shh, quietly"
(And if I was a price tag I'd be like "You ain't buying me")
If I was a fresh DJ I'd be like
If I was Jam Master Jay I'd be like
(If I was a cheap clock radio I'd be like) ("Tune that motherfucker in")
If I was Barry White I'd be like "What up y'all?"
(If I was nipple in the cold I'd be like) oh-oh-oh-oh
(If I was your dead uncle I'd be like "...")
If I was a raindrop I'd just be like
(And If I had an ax to your neck I might say "Chop!")

If I was, if I was, but I'll never be (If I was, if I was, but I'll never be)
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be (What the hell is that?) (If I was, if I was, but I'll never be)
If I was, if I was, for you're killing me (If I was, if I was, for you're killing me)
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be (If I was, if I was, but I'll never be)

If I was a Faygo at one of our shows
I'd fly through the air into an ocean of juggalos
(If I was Andre The Giant "This is how I'd be rapping")
If I was Father MC I'd be like "Now what happened?"
(If I was a mirror, I'd find another mirror) Yup
(And look each other dead in the eye, crystal clear) (Uh huh)
If I was a slider I'd slide out your butt
(I'd be floatin' in your toilet lookin' at you like) "What?"
If I was a pilot I'd be like "This is air traffic control"
If I was John Denver I'd be like "No!"
(If I was a switch I'd be like "Flick me, yoo-hoo")
If I was a London cop car I'd be like "Wee-oop wee-oop"
(If I was Chewbacca I'd get a fresh-ass fade)
(If I was Vanilla Ice I'd be like "Fuck y'all. I'm still paid")
If I was a stop sign I'd just be like "Stop"
If I was your wooden leg I'd still be giving you the hip-hop

If I was, if I was, but I'll never be (If I was, if I was, but I'll never be)
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be (What the hell is that?) (If I was, if I was, but I'll never be)
If I was, if I was, for you're killing me (If I was, if I was, for you're killing me)
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be (If I was, if I was, but I'll never be) but I'll never be