"Perception Check" lyrics

On the horizon of this forest path, you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you. What do you do?
My half-orc barbarian braces her greathammer and—that's a One
Critical fail. Steve, what do you do?
Well, I believe in anticipation, my rogue would try and hide behind a tree—okay, I rolled a One
That's another critical fail. Tom, what does your human bard do?
Active Perception Check
...That's a Natural 20
Let's fucking go

I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
These motherfuckers mean to harm us
And they got to go, so come on, get 'em now!
You picked the wrong day to fuck around with my
Tight crew, oh ho
There's no escaping it, I can perceive you
And here's what we're gonna do

Me and my boys gonna mess you up
I rolled a One
I rolled a One
Fuck

My boys are otherwise engaged
So I'm gonna bring it all myself, hey

I forgot, you're supposed to tell me what I see, right?
Yes, thank you. Let's just slow it all down a bit. So, you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter—
I cast Vicious Mockery. Nat 20, let's go

You're a short motherfucker and
Nobody likes you
SHORT!
Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is"
And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships
And when you were born, everybody thought
That you were just a head, but then the doctor said
"Wait, this stupid muthafuckin' tiny short ass
Baby got a tiny little itty bitty body and I hate it"

Your attack lands and absolutely shatters the mind of the cloaked figure. Perception Check, please
Nat 20, let's go!
You perceive the figure was so short because it was a CHILD
It's always a kid
Specifically the child you've been looking for for the last 15 days game time and 5 days of our actual lives
Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll be better. Fuck, his body's just lying there, right? Right?
Yes...? Don't—

Loot that body (Gotta loot that body now!)
Loot that body! (Gotta loot that motherfucker!)
Playing my flute when I loot that dead kid's body
Bitch