"fifteen" lyrics

School starts up again in about a week
Picked up my books from the library
Head full with romance and fantasy
Could it be me?

Caught eyes of one of the older guys
Ain't that the dream? I'm told it's nice
It might be love if I play it right

And I can think of
Fifteen reasons why he
Would wanna get to know me
But daddy said, "There's only one."
And it's hard times in times like these
I want someone I can please
Just let me make-believe
I'll give him everything

And I did
And he wasn't even grateful
Always treated me like a goddamn plateful
He's unfazed while I'm unstable

I took off all of my clothes
I cried the whole way home
Still smiled at my mother
What she don't know won't hurt her
He showed me love led to damage
How can everybody stand it?
He brought me to my knees
It's hard times in times like these

I live alone in a haunted house
I turned the mirrors all around
Can't stand to face what he made me now
And what's no longer
Turned my wide eyes to bloody tears
Missed out on Christmas and family cheer
I can't recall my birthday that year

But I remember
Fifteen ways I said "No"
Asked him to let me go
I know it's all his fault
Why does that still feel wrong?
It's hard times in times like these
I wake choking on my screams
Then I tuck them in the drawer
He could've taken more

So I outta be grateful
Wouldn't ever think about it if I were able
He's unscathed, I'm unstable
Flipping all these goddamn tables
Hopeless 'cause he'll never know his own betrayals

I threw up on my way home
Left my shoes on his road
Still smiled at my mother
What she don't know won't hurt her
Held my girlhood door
He slammed it
Took years to understand it
Still brings me to my knees
It's hard times in times like these

He's picking fights and locks and forget-me-nots
I'm counting to ten in a parking lot
I left myself in a lost-and-found box
Maybe in the summer I brush the dust off

Ticking slows. Am I a ghost?
He said "This is how it goes"
All I ever wanted was the prove I'm worthy
Such a high price for the way he hurt me

Couldn't ever understand
Am I really that pretty when I'm deadpan?
I curse your name when my lovers reach out
There's one thing I can't talk about
It hurts again, can't call my friends
They rolled their eyes
I shoulda known better
I can't live like this forever
I can't live like this forever

Gaslight myself under circumstance
"Did I make it all up? Was it really that bad?"
I can't live like this forever
I can't live like this forever