"CHAOS" lyrics

I got used to tears on my shirt sleeves
Panic attacks getting groceries
Deep breaths and incense and heart beats
(The simplest of things could break me)

I got used to rationalizing
The trauma with fake silver linings
And living felt more like surviving
Never thought that I'd stop
(I never thought that I'd stop crying)

Ooh, I'm finally healing my
Wounds spent so long broken in
Two trying to glue back the pieces
I don't know what peace is or
Who I am

When the chaos goes away
Why do I kinda wish it stayed

I spent a year trying to make it out
And I don't know how to function now
When the chaos goes away
Why am I still not ok

I can't even sleep through the whole night
Or go by myself on a long drive
Will I be like this my whole life
(Already paid my price)

Maybe I've spent so long outrunning my past
That I still can't help looking back
Will I always be waiting
For my whole world to cave in?

Ooh, took so much time getting
Used to everything breaking in
Two trying to glue back the pieces
I don't know what peace is or who I am

When the chaos goes away
Why do I kinda wish it stayed

I spent a year trying to make it out
And I don't know how to function now
When the chaos goes away
Why am I still not ok

Fighting the pain
Gave me a purpose
I pulled my demons
Up to the surface
I made a home in
All the discomfort
I found myself
In all the dysfunction
I got so sick of
Asking for help but I
Still can't take
Care of myself I got
So used to living through hell
That I feel so lost anywhere else

When the chaos goes away
Why do I kinda wish it stayed