"The Biggest Dick In Hyrule" lyrics

[Arin:] My name is Link and I just woke up
From a sleep that was apparently a hundred years plus
I'm all drenched in goo and partially nude
So I'mma try to see just what these twinky muscles do

First I'll raise some towers so I can get a peek
At all the moblins, lizards and havoc to wreak
Eatin' every single apple that I see
Takin' newly woken giant robots down with glee

But I stop into town
And I take a look around
I realize I haven't spoken to anyone
To brag about all the rad shit that I've done

Excuse me miss, I'd be remiss
If I didn't introduce myself
[Lady:] Oh, I'm pissed
[Arin:] What?
[Lady:] I know who you are, you fuckin' guy
[Arin:] Uh...
[Lady:] I never thought I'd get the chance to look you in the eye

[Arin:] I'm sorry I'm lost, do you know who I am?
[Lady:] Uh yeah you cuck, you killed my whole fam
[Arin:] I did?
[Lady:] Yes. Remember those towers you raised? My house was there.
[Arin:] Wow
[Lady:] I'm glad you're amazed

[Arin:] Well look, I didn't know that an ancient device
Would be right under your home
[Lady:] Um, a "sorry" would be nice
[Arin:] Okay it's just I've been busting my ass
Doing all kinds of heroic things
[Lady:] I really didn't ask

[Arin:] For example I've been deflecting lasers at these robots
[Lady:] Oh that's cool, I just dug my son's grave plot
[Arin:] The amount of recipes I've learned? So much
[Lady:] Nice, I'll never feel my husband's touch

[Arin:] I feel really bad
But I'm also a little mad
That my hard work is being undermined
It's like, it's not my fault your stupid family died

I figured I'd try to talk to someone nicer
So I approached this guy he was a master dicer
Hey man you're good at slicin' apples
That's my main source of sustenance along my travels

[Farmer:] I'd love to chat but I'm in a bind
I have to make do with the apples I could find
There's like, none, they're all fuckin' gone
Like someone ate the entire orchard for fun

[Arin:] The orchard with the sign behind the town's where you grow it?
[Farmer:] Yeah, that's the one
[Arin:] (burp) Cool, I don't know it
[Farmer:] Whoever is responsible, whoever the traitor
I'm gonna slice off their dick
[Arin:] Okay, see you later!

[Arin:] Phew glad I'm outta there, hey maybe I'll try
Another town of people, oh that's cool they fly
[Rito:] We are the Rito, bird people of the skies
We also hate Hylians
[Arin:] Alright see ya, guys!

Maybe Hateno Village will be into my boastin'
Hi! I lit the blue torches!
[Villager:] What?! You let the ghosts in!
[Arin:] Moving along, I'm sure there's a place
Where the people aren't way into eating my face

[Arin:] Oh look it's the Gorons
[Gorons:] Oh a face we can eat!
[Arin:] Well I think I'm gonna start beatin' my feet
I don't even know where the heck I could go
Oh sorry little Korok
[Korok:] Uh, you killed me bro

[Arin:] Damn, Mr. Horse Guy workin' at the farm
Seems like everything I do just causes some harm
I hope my trusty horse didn't pain or bother ya
[Horse Guy:] Oh no not at all, just gave us all cholera

[Arin:] How is that even... ugh... just whatever
I guess I'll just think about it and do better
I'm gonna head to The Great Fairy to upgrade my sweater
[Horse Guy:] You awoke The Great Fairy?
[Arin:] Yeah

[Guys:] Daaamn
Awww, no cap?
Damn, she fine
Aw, let's go!
Yeah she fine though man
Like mad fine
Sooo fine

[Arin:] Oh, so I didn't mess up?
[Guys:] Hell no!
Whaaat?
Yeah, Don't worry about it
Yeah man, it's cool
Cool man

[Horse Guy:] However on account of the cholera we all have to shit all the time
[Guys:] Yeah! Yeah!
Soooo much
It's like whooooa
It's like mad gross

[Horse Guy:] It's like "brrrr"
[Guys:] HA HA YEAH!
Yeah! Wooo! He knows, he knows