"Wicked Cool" lyrics

Whenever I see someone
Who's uglier than me...
Who's duller and or dumber
Than I could ever be...

I say, "hey, Bayonetta
What's one thing you could do
To make this hapless halfwit
Half as affable as you?"

Don't bathe in baked beans
Wash your hair in dairy-free shampoo
Gargling sardines
Isn't something I'd suggest you do

If you follow my advice
You may start to smell, well, nice
You'll have folks thinking
That you're wicked stinking cool!

Buy some chic new clothes
Ones you didn't pick out from the trash...
Let's dispose of those
If you ever hope to be in smash

No one's dazzled by your gut
Or balloons filled by your butt...
Just dispense with these
And you'll be wicked cool

"Will that innately
Make men date me?"

Let's get you something slim and slinky!
Don't be afraid to be a little kinky...

This frock?
-No

This hat?
-No

This rag?
-I think we
Can find you a fit that's just a little less stinky...

"And undies that make my cake look more like a twinkie!"

Skincare gets you by
Caking on some makeup tends to help...
Skip the maggot pie-
Maybe try surviving on some kelp...

Yes, you're definitely a mess
Almost hopeless, I confess
But you'll be slaying-
-That's a saying for being cool

You'll be an absolute belle
And straight up, downright swell!
You'll be so-
"Popular?"
-Well...
You'll have men under your spell!

"...figuratively..."

You know that you can trust me
Your busty, only friend
To help you stick your chest out
While flaunting your rear end...

I won't dismiss my mission
To take this sloppy soul
And turn her into someone
Someone someday may extol...

Pointy hats are out
Riding on a broom is so blasé...
Please don't pick your snout-
Once you follow every word I say

Girl, there's nothing you can't do
When you're not... being you...

You're gonna be adored! respected!
Infrequently abhorred! rejected!
Guaranteed to be
Uber-super-duper
Fricken wicked cool!

(You're wicked...)
(You're wicked...)
(You're wicked...)
(You're wicked...)
(Cool!)

Strictly wicked cool!