"The Christian Las Vegas Is Not Holding" lyrics
Anyway, best day of my fucking life, and
So the fun didn't stop there either 'cause for dinner we ended up going to a place that I'm, alright, you, get this, ready?
The place was called:
"Biblical Times Dinner Theater!"
I know right?
I went to Medieval Times once and I was like "Ah it's kid's stuff," you know, "I'll try to have a good time."
The second the swords came out, I'm a foot and a half away from a toddler in a tiara going:
"Fucking kill him!"
So if you could imagine
What a Bible-themed version of that experience might do to me
I'd probably get arrested
Just choking on a half fucking giant turkey leg being escorted from the premises like:
"Let my people go!"
I should explain something about Branson, Missouri
It's referred to by some as the Christian Las Vegas, um
Well it's because, while they don't allow the debauchery, the entertainment options are constant, they're nonstop
And it's impossible to choose from
Not because they're so g- they all look so good
Constant, just, show-stopping tributes to men who died young as a result of untreated metal health disorders exacerbated by being the subject of mass media consumption at a young age
"Saturday at the Lazarus Theater: A Capella Tribute to Jimmy Hendrix!"
(Imitates a vocal performance of Jimi Hendrix's rendition of The Star Spangled Banner)
"2:00 PM!"
(Continues the The Star Spangled Banner)
"Only $70!"
(Continues the The Star Spangled Banner)
Heh, it's amazing
It's incredible man
I mean, when we were there, they hosted an '80s music festival where the headliner was Vince Neil's solo act and the master of ceremonies was Andy Dick
So -
First audience that had any response to that
I'm playing for children every night and
I'm glad some people understand it
'Cause I've had to explain who Andy Dick was to a bunch of college kids
And I didn't feel like I even could, 'cause, I don't know what he's famous for other than than the sex offenses, so
The point is that it's a cultural graveyard
It is a haunted house where the ghost's unfinished business is to dodge domestic abuse allegations
It is a Parthenon built for the horndog lesser-known demigods of yore, after the fall of Rome, begging for the Visigoths to stick around for the soupy-cheese'd pizza buffets
Branson, Missouri is what Hunter Thompson saw the real Las Vegas on the peak of his worst Fear and Loathing trip
Only everything closes at 8:00 and not even the house wins
Q.E.D., Yakov Smirnoff has his own theater there
It was gonna be one of the names I mentioned
It's a, it's um
It's an amazing place
I feel bad, I really do, I can't keep just roasting Branson, Missouri all night
It's not right, I'm punching down, um
Point is, hilarious city, 10/10, Tommy Wiseau of tourist traps
So the fun didn't stop there either 'cause for dinner we ended up going to a place that I'm, alright, you, get this, ready?
The place was called:
"Biblical Times Dinner Theater!"
I know right?
I went to Medieval Times once and I was like "Ah it's kid's stuff," you know, "I'll try to have a good time."
The second the swords came out, I'm a foot and a half away from a toddler in a tiara going:
"Fucking kill him!"
So if you could imagine
What a Bible-themed version of that experience might do to me
I'd probably get arrested
Just choking on a half fucking giant turkey leg being escorted from the premises like:
"Let my people go!"
I should explain something about Branson, Missouri
It's referred to by some as the Christian Las Vegas, um
Well it's because, while they don't allow the debauchery, the entertainment options are constant, they're nonstop
And it's impossible to choose from
Not because they're so g- they all look so good
Constant, just, show-stopping tributes to men who died young as a result of untreated metal health disorders exacerbated by being the subject of mass media consumption at a young age
"Saturday at the Lazarus Theater: A Capella Tribute to Jimmy Hendrix!"
(Imitates a vocal performance of Jimi Hendrix's rendition of The Star Spangled Banner)
"2:00 PM!"
(Continues the The Star Spangled Banner)
"Only $70!"
(Continues the The Star Spangled Banner)
Heh, it's amazing
It's incredible man
I mean, when we were there, they hosted an '80s music festival where the headliner was Vince Neil's solo act and the master of ceremonies was Andy Dick
So -
First audience that had any response to that
I'm playing for children every night and
I'm glad some people understand it
'Cause I've had to explain who Andy Dick was to a bunch of college kids
And I didn't feel like I even could, 'cause, I don't know what he's famous for other than than the sex offenses, so
The point is that it's a cultural graveyard
It is a haunted house where the ghost's unfinished business is to dodge domestic abuse allegations
It is a Parthenon built for the horndog lesser-known demigods of yore, after the fall of Rome, begging for the Visigoths to stick around for the soupy-cheese'd pizza buffets
Branson, Missouri is what Hunter Thompson saw the real Las Vegas on the peak of his worst Fear and Loathing trip
Only everything closes at 8:00 and not even the house wins
Q.E.D., Yakov Smirnoff has his own theater there
It was gonna be one of the names I mentioned
It's a, it's um
It's an amazing place
I feel bad, I really do, I can't keep just roasting Branson, Missouri all night
It's not right, I'm punching down, um
Point is, hilarious city, 10/10, Tommy Wiseau of tourist traps
