"Things Fall Apart" lyrics
[Will Wood:]
...so, uh, after the service-
We're ushered into a conference room by a hoard of ghouls that descended from vents in the ceiling
And we are immediately paired up with a young man in a sweater with a very fresh face named Dallon, who I judge to be about seven year old
And we hit it off immediately 'cause Dallon knows why we're here, and we know he knows why we're here, and he knows we know he knows why we're here and so we just kinda fuck around, cracking jokes about how crazy the keynote speaker was
But then eventually after some time Dallon says
[Dallon:]
Y'know, guys, I know this whole this weird
I do, I get it, I get this whole thing
You know, I know Cliff is crazy, I know this is all kinda crazy
But
I'm actually a vacation owner myself
And it's honestly kind of a good deal guys
[Will Wood:]
So I level with him
Dallon, Dallon, Dallon, Dallon, Dallon, Dallon, baby, listen
We know what this, you know what this is
We're not judging, okay
We still think you're a good person
Everybody's gotta make their living somehow
We all gotta put food on the table
And, y'know, life is hard
And Dallon says
[Dallon:]
Jesus, man, you're gonna make me tear up
You know, everybody, they just get mad at me, the second they see me when they walk in here
And y'know I don't want to do this forever
This is just something I'm doing while I figure something else out, you know, I'd like to work in insurance
[Will Wood:]
And he tells us he still needs to do the rest of his spiel
And, so, we do
But we kinda half-ass it and crack jokes about the numbers as we go along
And eventually our a hundred and twenty minutes comes and goes without us even realizing it
And we're the last couple in the room
And Dallon looks around
[Dallon:]
Well, I think it's time for us to pack up and go
But thanks so much for being so kind to me, it really means a lot
I just have to get my exit survey guy over here and he'll sign you out and you can get your coupons and get going
[Will Wood:]
He looks around and the place is a fucking ghost town
You know, had a tumbleweed rolled by, you wouldn't have thought anything of it
But out the corner of my eye I see the last employee in the room
He's a stout man leaning up against a cubicle
Perfectly coiffed black pompadour, perfectly hedged black beard
Beautiful eyes, uh, twinkling under bushy black eyebrows, he's got the shoulders of a linebacker, and a charcoal grey polo stretched taut across a Victorian era strongman's barrel - nay, crate - chest
He's about 5'1"
And he starts strolling over to us, his patent leather shoes rolling under his enormous tiny body
He's got this Billy Mays vibration stretched over an Alex Jones physique
But Dallon swallows hard hot Branson air
[Dallon:]
Well, you can talk to Dennis
You'll like Dennis, he's, uh, Irish!
[Dennis:]
So did you two come to a decision
[Will Wood:]
Yeah, Dennis, we have, I'm sorry, we're not going to be buying today
[Dennis:]
Oh, well that's okay, could you tell me why?
[Will Wood:]
Well, you know, it's a big decision to make day of
[Dennis:]
Oh I understand, is there anything we can do to help make this a more comfortable decision for you?
We'd be happy to make some adjustments for you
[Will Wood:]
No, I'm sorry Dennis but we're just not interested
[Dennis:]
Oh but you can't tell me why?
You could at least tell us why so we can learn from our customers
[Will Wood:]
And I don't know how to respond to that
Fuck it, I'll be level with them
I was level with Dallon, I was level with the front desk, I was level with Cliff, I was level with the ghouls in the ceiling
To be perfectly frank we're all kinda looting the same dead body here
This is Branson Missouri, not the real world!
So I just tell him, you know?
Dennis
Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, Dennis
Baby
We know what this is
You know what this is
And we're not judging, okay
We still think you're a good person
We all gotta make a way somehow
We all gotta put food on the table
You know, life is hard
[Dennis:]
I'm sorry, I don't follow
[Will Wood:]
I begin to tremble
Christina begins to tremble
No, she doesn't
I don't know why I always say that I just don't want to seem like a bitch, I don't know
I told you I'm not good at social situations and this one is completely unprecedented for me
I have absolutely no idea how to respond to this
But Dennis is looking quite offended
And I'm starting to get a little upset myself
I go
"Well, you know, Dennis, we're just saying, you know, we don't trust the company"
[Dennis:]
You don't trust the company?
The company I work for?
Well that really hurts to hear, what on earth do you mean?
If we were doing anything unethical or illegal do you really think we'd be allowed to be one of the largest publicly traded hoteliers on the planet?
[Will Wood:]
Christina said yes because of course the answer to that question is yes...
But Dennis doesn't like that that's the answer he's received
[Dennis:]
Hold on a moment!
Did you two come in here knowing you weren't going to buy
[Will Wood:]
And I say yes because of course the answer to that question is yes...
[Dennis:]
Did you come in here
And waste everyone's time?
Waste my time?
Waste Dallon's time?
Waste the ghoul in the ceiling's time?
Waste Cliff's time?
Waste the time of everyone here so you could take advantage of our generosity?
Could you-
Did you really do that!?
Did you come in this morning and, just to make a few extra bucks off someone else's hard work!?
Did you really just take an opportunity away from someone else's who could've needed it did you really do that today!?
[Will Wood:]
Now I'm having several panic attacks at the same time
My lizard brain can't keep up with the nuances of this emotional maelstrom that this tiny enormous man has kicked up in the conference room
[Dennis:]
Shame on you!
Shame on the both you!
You disgust me!
You ought to be ashamed, this is a disgrace, this is evil!
You two are leeches on society and all that!
[Will Wood:]
Oh yeah, boohoo Dennis, yeah, we're leeches on "socoiety"
Pffft
And he's screamin' over me and I'm screaming over him and Christina is holding my hand trying to communicate to me
"Will this is an emotional manipulation tactic, he's not actually-
Will calm down!"
And I'm screaming over her
It's the fucking cold open to an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia in here
And eventually Dennis half-lunges over the table and he says
[Dennis:]
Look at her!
Look her in the eyes
You, look at him in the eyes
I want you to look deep into each other's eyes and I want you to tell me
Is this really the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
This leech on society
A happy marriage to the both of you!
[Will Wood:]
...Is our a hundred twenty minutes up?
We can leave, right?
No!
Because Dennis has blocked the exit
Through sheer width of torso he is now
Maneuvering us through sheer intimidation into a far corner of the room and he's saying
[Dennis:]
Oh, no, right this way, follow me!
I'll show you the door
[Will Wood:]
He's lying, he's not showing us the door
[Dennis:]
No, come with me you monster, you bastard, you absolute piece of shit, you leech on society, fuck you!
[Will Wood:]
And he guides us toward an area where there's a man in Hollywood pedophile sunglasses sitting at a desk looking supremely hung over
[The Man Behind The Desk:]
Alright, hold on a second
I'm sorry about the whole
Huba-hula-hubbalubba-bloo
Just got
(Burps)
-Morty
We just gotta
I just gotta do one last
Last ditch sorta try it before you buy it pitch
And then you guys can take your coupons and go, alright
I'm sorry about this, it's
Frankly most people don't even get this far
[Will Wood:]
And I tell Christina
"Chris, do not sit, okay, we can go any time we want, we do not have to sit down with this man"
[The Man Behind The Desk:]
No, no-
Morty-
Don't worry about it
[Will Wood:]
And he begins to write out this flow chart in sharpie on the back of a brochure
And it's gobbledegook of course
But the numbers they're a little smaller than the last numbers I saw
And I'm still panicking from the fucking dark magic that Dennis did to us
And the room is spinning and I can feel my pulse in my temples
And I start to think
About that happy family
And their bed, and their timeshare
And I turn around and
Dennis has a gaze as blank and as pitiless as the sun
Dallon appears to be a young man making his mistakes
And maybe Dennis has just gotten better at hiding on his face the fact that maybe they both just kind of needed a win
But I turn back around...
...so, uh, after the service-
We're ushered into a conference room by a hoard of ghouls that descended from vents in the ceiling
And we are immediately paired up with a young man in a sweater with a very fresh face named Dallon, who I judge to be about seven year old
And we hit it off immediately 'cause Dallon knows why we're here, and we know he knows why we're here, and he knows we know he knows why we're here and so we just kinda fuck around, cracking jokes about how crazy the keynote speaker was
But then eventually after some time Dallon says
[Dallon:]
Y'know, guys, I know this whole this weird
I do, I get it, I get this whole thing
You know, I know Cliff is crazy, I know this is all kinda crazy
But
I'm actually a vacation owner myself
And it's honestly kind of a good deal guys
[Will Wood:]
So I level with him
Dallon, Dallon, Dallon, Dallon, Dallon, Dallon, baby, listen
We know what this, you know what this is
We're not judging, okay
We still think you're a good person
Everybody's gotta make their living somehow
We all gotta put food on the table
And, y'know, life is hard
And Dallon says
[Dallon:]
Jesus, man, you're gonna make me tear up
You know, everybody, they just get mad at me, the second they see me when they walk in here
And y'know I don't want to do this forever
This is just something I'm doing while I figure something else out, you know, I'd like to work in insurance
[Will Wood:]
And he tells us he still needs to do the rest of his spiel
And, so, we do
But we kinda half-ass it and crack jokes about the numbers as we go along
And eventually our a hundred and twenty minutes comes and goes without us even realizing it
And we're the last couple in the room
And Dallon looks around
[Dallon:]
Well, I think it's time for us to pack up and go
But thanks so much for being so kind to me, it really means a lot
I just have to get my exit survey guy over here and he'll sign you out and you can get your coupons and get going
[Will Wood:]
He looks around and the place is a fucking ghost town
You know, had a tumbleweed rolled by, you wouldn't have thought anything of it
But out the corner of my eye I see the last employee in the room
He's a stout man leaning up against a cubicle
Perfectly coiffed black pompadour, perfectly hedged black beard
Beautiful eyes, uh, twinkling under bushy black eyebrows, he's got the shoulders of a linebacker, and a charcoal grey polo stretched taut across a Victorian era strongman's barrel - nay, crate - chest
He's about 5'1"
And he starts strolling over to us, his patent leather shoes rolling under his enormous tiny body
He's got this Billy Mays vibration stretched over an Alex Jones physique
But Dallon swallows hard hot Branson air
[Dallon:]
Well, you can talk to Dennis
You'll like Dennis, he's, uh, Irish!
[Dennis:]
So did you two come to a decision
[Will Wood:]
Yeah, Dennis, we have, I'm sorry, we're not going to be buying today
[Dennis:]
Oh, well that's okay, could you tell me why?
[Will Wood:]
Well, you know, it's a big decision to make day of
[Dennis:]
Oh I understand, is there anything we can do to help make this a more comfortable decision for you?
We'd be happy to make some adjustments for you
[Will Wood:]
No, I'm sorry Dennis but we're just not interested
[Dennis:]
Oh but you can't tell me why?
You could at least tell us why so we can learn from our customers
[Will Wood:]
And I don't know how to respond to that
Fuck it, I'll be level with them
I was level with Dallon, I was level with the front desk, I was level with Cliff, I was level with the ghouls in the ceiling
To be perfectly frank we're all kinda looting the same dead body here
This is Branson Missouri, not the real world!
So I just tell him, you know?
Dennis
Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, Dennis
Baby
We know what this is
You know what this is
And we're not judging, okay
We still think you're a good person
We all gotta make a way somehow
We all gotta put food on the table
You know, life is hard
[Dennis:]
I'm sorry, I don't follow
[Will Wood:]
I begin to tremble
Christina begins to tremble
No, she doesn't
I don't know why I always say that I just don't want to seem like a bitch, I don't know
I told you I'm not good at social situations and this one is completely unprecedented for me
I have absolutely no idea how to respond to this
But Dennis is looking quite offended
And I'm starting to get a little upset myself
I go
"Well, you know, Dennis, we're just saying, you know, we don't trust the company"
[Dennis:]
You don't trust the company?
The company I work for?
Well that really hurts to hear, what on earth do you mean?
If we were doing anything unethical or illegal do you really think we'd be allowed to be one of the largest publicly traded hoteliers on the planet?
[Will Wood:]
Christina said yes because of course the answer to that question is yes...
But Dennis doesn't like that that's the answer he's received
[Dennis:]
Hold on a moment!
Did you two come in here knowing you weren't going to buy
[Will Wood:]
And I say yes because of course the answer to that question is yes...
[Dennis:]
Did you come in here
And waste everyone's time?
Waste my time?
Waste Dallon's time?
Waste the ghoul in the ceiling's time?
Waste Cliff's time?
Waste the time of everyone here so you could take advantage of our generosity?
Could you-
Did you really do that!?
Did you come in this morning and, just to make a few extra bucks off someone else's hard work!?
Did you really just take an opportunity away from someone else's who could've needed it did you really do that today!?
[Will Wood:]
Now I'm having several panic attacks at the same time
My lizard brain can't keep up with the nuances of this emotional maelstrom that this tiny enormous man has kicked up in the conference room
[Dennis:]
Shame on you!
Shame on the both you!
You disgust me!
You ought to be ashamed, this is a disgrace, this is evil!
You two are leeches on society and all that!
[Will Wood:]
Oh yeah, boohoo Dennis, yeah, we're leeches on "socoiety"
Pffft
And he's screamin' over me and I'm screaming over him and Christina is holding my hand trying to communicate to me
"Will this is an emotional manipulation tactic, he's not actually-
Will calm down!"
And I'm screaming over her
It's the fucking cold open to an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia in here
And eventually Dennis half-lunges over the table and he says
[Dennis:]
Look at her!
Look her in the eyes
You, look at him in the eyes
I want you to look deep into each other's eyes and I want you to tell me
Is this really the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
This leech on society
A happy marriage to the both of you!
[Will Wood:]
...Is our a hundred twenty minutes up?
We can leave, right?
No!
Because Dennis has blocked the exit
Through sheer width of torso he is now
Maneuvering us through sheer intimidation into a far corner of the room and he's saying
[Dennis:]
Oh, no, right this way, follow me!
I'll show you the door
[Will Wood:]
He's lying, he's not showing us the door
[Dennis:]
No, come with me you monster, you bastard, you absolute piece of shit, you leech on society, fuck you!
[Will Wood:]
And he guides us toward an area where there's a man in Hollywood pedophile sunglasses sitting at a desk looking supremely hung over
[The Man Behind The Desk:]
Alright, hold on a second
I'm sorry about the whole
Huba-hula-hubbalubba-bloo
Just got
(Burps)
-Morty
We just gotta
I just gotta do one last
Last ditch sorta try it before you buy it pitch
And then you guys can take your coupons and go, alright
I'm sorry about this, it's
Frankly most people don't even get this far
[Will Wood:]
And I tell Christina
"Chris, do not sit, okay, we can go any time we want, we do not have to sit down with this man"
[The Man Behind The Desk:]
No, no-
Morty-
Don't worry about it
[Will Wood:]
And he begins to write out this flow chart in sharpie on the back of a brochure
And it's gobbledegook of course
But the numbers they're a little smaller than the last numbers I saw
And I'm still panicking from the fucking dark magic that Dennis did to us
And the room is spinning and I can feel my pulse in my temples
And I start to think
About that happy family
And their bed, and their timeshare
And I turn around and
Dennis has a gaze as blank and as pitiless as the sun
Dallon appears to be a young man making his mistakes
And maybe Dennis has just gotten better at hiding on his face the fact that maybe they both just kind of needed a win
But I turn back around...
